I listened to a brief video from an Orthodox presbyter speak about passions, because I had a sneaking suspicion that, like with so many potential disagreements, there was a failure to define terms.

I was correct! He proceeded to explain the definition of passions from the original Greek word, and how Orthodox Fathers understood it. It's aligned very closely with the Stoic view of passions in many ways but with different vocabulary is used. ALWAYS define your terms before condemning a position.